Day by Day

A friend recently asked me how you do it. How do you stay positive in light of your diagnosis?

My answer was, I take it Day by Day! That's my motto. I open my eyes and right away try to find something that I can smile about. Jim's hair in his sleep. The dog snoring. A poster a friend sent me that says: "They whispered to her, 'You cannot withstand the storm.' ... 'I am the storm,' she whispered back." On my desk I have a stack of get-well cards I’ve received. I keep every one of them in a basket and go through them when I'm down.

My positive attitude started nineteen years ago for the sake of my kids. I shed many tears when they weren't watching. But Jim and I set up a little code word that he would mention when I got choked up. For us, the term was, 'soccer field'. The words referred to the years when we both coached our older son Cyrus in peewee soccer. He would sit on the grass and pick dandelions while younger son Sam clutched to my leg like a koala as I tried to coach the rest of the kids. The laughter was therapy.

This time around, as you probably know, the cancer is very serious. The oncologist on the first visit told me she can't cure me and can only treat me. Well, there was not much I could do with that news but to make a decision about what the rest of my life was going to be like.

For years, I was a hospice volunteer. I’ve lost best friends and family members to this disease. I know how difficult it is to stay positive. It’s natural to feel upset, angry, and frightened.

Here’s something I saw some time ago on the Cancer Society website: “Many people with cancer are told by family and friends to stay positive. But sadness, distress, depression, fear, and anxiety are all normal feelings when learning to deal with cancer. Ignoring these feelings or not talking about them can make the person with cancer feel alone. And this can make it harder for them to cope with how they are feeling.”

So, I decided to go public with my feelings. Talk about my situation. Reach out to my community of family, friends, neighbors. It was my own form of therapy. I knew that optimism wouldn't cure me. Scientifically speaking, it wouldn't extend my life. But it could lead to a better quality of life for me, for Jim, for our kids, for those I can reach who are going through a difficult time.

This is one of the responses I got from a friend I worked with thirty years ago:"...even now, Nikoo, you are helping me to be strong and positive as I battle this horrible disease. I was diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive cancer called..." She poured out her struggles, and we've been communicating since through email.

I joined an online support group made up only of people who have my exact type of cancer. The group started in 2018, has 750 members on the list, but half of them are already deceased. A downer at first, but a great source of camaraderie and resources for those of us who are still in the game.

My cancer has spread to my stomach; they believe it is already in the bones. My constant pain is in my stomach. Eating hurts. Despite this discomfort, I still believe in breathing the air, enjoying beauty, keeping negative thoughts away. I try to not let my imagination run away. I’m living for today and tomorrow…and smiling. I look for those code words that snap me out of my down moments.

And what else? In my first bout with cancer, I started a journal. A notebook and a pen. I never went back and reread what I wrote. That outlet was a one-way conversation with my notebook therapist. An outpouring of feelings. I allowed myself to experience my feelings. Fifteen minutes a day, every day. I always felt better after.

Every day, I search for ways of improving today and tomorrow. Family. A good movie. Comedy helps. Music. Walks. Exercise. Laughter. And reaching out to friends. Those in my support network, you who are reading this, lift my spirits. You don’t know it, but you’re there when I need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to how I am feeling.

The end is going to catch up with all of us, and yes, I’m a bit resentful that it's coming this way for me. Still, my attitude is, I am not going to let cancer ruin the life I have left. I am not fighting this disease. There's no fight. It’s all about improving the quality of my life and of all those around me, near and far. Day by Day.

A friend has been kind enough to set up a GoFundMe fundraiser.

Here is the link to that page.

Thank you!